I think that many of my efforts to change things in my life are do to the fact that I long to belong to a Community, and do not feel like I do currently. I long to be a part of a group of people and a place that support me and understand me. That encourage me to grow and become a better version of me, but that accept me for who I am right now.
I also long to be a part of something that has a history, and that works together to achieve something great than all of us.
The glib answer in me is that is what the church should be, but there are so many ways in which that is easier said than done. Also, I have no idea where I could or would actually fit in a church community. Or in God’s plan. Or in the Kingdom.
The nostalgia part of me says that I was part of a community in PDX, but then I wonder, “was I really? Did I genuinely allow myself that freedom?”
I went to see a Show at Barnyard Theatre in Davis. And I think that they have built for themselves a great community. It’s local, and clearly everyone there enjoys themselves. i don’t know how much support they provide for each other over the year, but each summer they come together to tell great stories the best way that they can. And have some fun in the process. At least, thats how I imagine them to be. And it’s fantastic and totally what I long for, in theatre and in life. Not having to make all the decisions, but the ability to actually have a say in decisions and be respected. And not fear for loosing my job or what I say get repeated badly. Safety. And nourishment. And some Damn Good Fun.
Part of me is scared, because making a community is violent. it involves choosing one thing over another. In involves putting down roots, and not being able to run away when the going gets hard. It requires both confidence and vulnerability in spades. It requires shutting up, putting out, and making someplace my Home.
Part of me longs for the idea of growing up in a place, falling in love there, having a family in that same place. And it repeating for generations. You would have a visual and visceral history to connect to. But at the same time I love travel and the way it can shape people. Bring new ideas to light. And while I love my family, I seem to have rejected much of the rest of my childhood that would allow for that kind of connection.
Community seems to be part of while my “by 30” goals are about. Really, but 30 I want to have a community that I am a part of that supports my faith and creativity and helps me to make healthy choices. I want a church and small group, I want to be physically healthy enough to be outdoorsy and meet people that way, and I want to not feel so bogged down by money, and have the mental and emotional freedom to create that community and invite them into my home. And the most fantastic thing would be if these communities were all fluid and bled into each other. My goals are all ways to meet people and hopefully create that community, but I’m not really sure they will get me where I want. So where does that leave me? I’m not sure.